Listen.

Pic via Huffington Post

I like this mess, because it looks like it's straight outta Compton Contempo Casuals circa 1998. That was my mother effin' heyday, so you know how you get stuck in that ish. Good job, Miley. You are super reppin' the late 90's like a serious boss.


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Oh, Lana del Rey...

Lana del Rey just released her new music video for National Anthem, in which she portrays herself as Jackie O or something. I love any retro, grainy-type ish, so I'm pretty into it.

But here's my deal. I just can't decide if this b is my soul mate, and I want to split a Fun Dip with her, or if I want to slap the pout out of her face. Lannie can rock some talons, though. That is one thing of which I AM certain.

What are you guys feeling on this?



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My Next Allure Daily Beauty Reporter Post: At Home Spa Ish.

Photo via Allure

Go check out my next Allure blog post, Have a Freakin' Fabulous Spa Day, Without Leaving the House! 



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I'm Not a Parent...

And if I were, I would probably be a half sh*tty one, but I am not okay with this.

Willow Smith has pierced her little 11 year old tongue. I'm totally down with the hair whipping back and forth, the head shaving, and such. I was certainly no angel (Yes, I was! If my family is reading this.), but 11 is freakin' redonk for starting with piercings. What is that? Fifth grade or some mess? I at least had the decency to wait until I was 15 or 16 to sneak out and get my belly button pierced! (I'm old fashioned that way. It was like '96. That's how we rolled back then.)

Send that little sweetheart to get a henna tattoo (which I wasn't allowed to do) or get a hair wrap. That was my jam in middle school.

Am I being an old b here? Are you guys on board with this ish?

Update: Willow Smith is saying that it's a fake tongue ring. We can all unclench now. I totally feel her, because when I was 11 I had fake glasses, a fake broken arm in a sling, and a fake retainer made from a paperclip. (No wonder my teeth aren't straight.)



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True Blood Musings: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

 Some people are making big changes 'round here (thanks, Counting Crows), so let's talk about this ish. Don't look at this picture of Eric for too long. You might burn your retinas.

JUMP! JUMP!

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Yo, I Can Do at Home Gel Manicures Like a Boss!

Red Carpet Manicure Pro Kit, $79.99

This is the good good, you guys. I can't lie -- I was super skeptical on the whole gel-manicure-at-home deal. I had heard about it, but I was all, "I've had a gel manicure in the salon. And that ish is the bizzle. It can't be like that." Then the good peeps over at Red Carpet Manicure sent me the Pro Kit to try.

It includes all the stuff you need: the light thingy, and all of the steps involved in the whole process, including a basic red shade of the gel polish. But here's the thing -- I kind of suck at painting my nails. I'm of the theory that one can paint the whole top part of one's finger, then peel everything off the skin around after the polish has dried. Yep, I'm very professional in life. So I was pretty unsure if I could do this mess. But guess what? I did it! And ish looked guuuuurrrd. Who's got a cookie for my ass?

The manicure lasted about two weeks for me, until it grew out. It was pretty much just like the gel manicure I have had a few times in the salon. I think at the $80 purchase price is well worth it, when you think about the fact that each gel manicure is over $20. They also sell more colors, and they can even be purchased at Ulta. I'm going to buy more tomorrow, because I'm a total makeup hoarder.

P.S. I would have taken a picture of my hands, but I just took the polish off a day ago. AND I'm lazy. AND my hands look like a 95 year old woman's. (I'm all veiny. It's gross. Trust, I'm saving you on this one.)



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You Know How You Know I'm Old?

Pic via OK Magazine

This ish is hot again.

P.S. You b's are lucky that I'm too old to wear overalls in this piece.


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If I Didn't Look Like a Manilla Folder When I'm a Blonde, I Would TOTALLY Do This

 Tampa peeps: This ish sounds amaze, so get all up on it.

I was contacted by a nice young man named Jameson Gardner, who is a beauty professional from LA currently working in Tampa at the salon in Saks 5th Avenue. He has worked for years in hair & makeup (at one time I was a resident makeup artist on American Idol). So, he pretty much sounds like a badass.

He is doing a service in the Tampa Saks 5th Avenue salon called "Back to Blonde," where he takes dark haired ladies to blonde IN ONE DAY! That ish cray. Here are the deets from him:

We do models on Mondays & Tuesdays.  As a model you are treated with the same luxury and premium service as full paying clients.  Guests are entitled to a cappuccino, complimentary scalp and hand massage and full style and blow dry.  We want our models to walk out of Saks 5th Avenue looking and feeling gorgeous.  We also want them to tell their friends how awesome the salon is.

The "Back to Blonde" service is time consuming (4-6 hours) so patience is appreciated.  A model must be willing to let us photograph them.  Their image may be used in our brochures and advertisements.  We are willing to perform the service on a naturally dark brunette but we prefer people with color treated hair.  There really aren't any limitations as far as the person's age, ethnicity or appearance.  All types are encouraged to apply.  It's the hair and the process we're most interested in.

The "Back to Blonde" modeling service cost $50.00.  Once it is listed on our menu it will have a starting retail price of $300.00.  The receptionists blocks me out Mondays & Tuesdays so for this service folks would have to book directly through my email.  Just have them send a picture to jamesongardner@gmail.com.

Our stylists are the best and we guarantee impeccable results.  But with color treated hair (especially people who have used box colors) the end results can be unpredictable.  Results may vary but we will never send anyone home looking bad.  Lastly all models MUST be willing to relax and let us lavish them with luxury. 

So any Tampa-area ladies that are interested in this boss deal, email Jameson at jamesongardner@gmail.com. And let me be jealous of your ass!


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Blogging Note: I'm Lazy, and Have Zero Creative Juices.

I'm in Miami right now, because my husband has this work conference deal, and I decided to go. I thought, I'll have time off from work, I can write; it will be perfect. So instead of blogging like a normal, responsible b would, this is what I'm doing:

Sitting at the hotel bar, drinking, and using free wifi, because I refuse to pay $15 for internet access in my room. I'll spend that $15 on 7 glasses of cheap drinks, thankyouverymuch. I would much rather awkwardly stare at a bunch of strangers and try to think of witty crappy to (not) write. So someone yell at me or something, and make me blog. My laziness is unstoppable!!!!



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True Blood Musings: Let My Eric Go!

Pic via Celeb Buzz

 This picture is obviously not from this week's True Blood, but let's all pretend that we're on a little lovers' vacay with Joe, okay? Plus, there was not NEARLY enough Alcide in this week's epi. Now let's dish...JUMP!

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People Are Doing Crap to Their Hair and Stuff

Pic via US Weekly

Betty Draper (birth certificate name: January Jones) is now a ginger. Don't worry, her b face is still in tact. I'm not saying that to be an a-hole. I, myself, have a b face. People are always like, "What's wrong, sugar pie? Why so glum?" And I'm all, "Nothing. This is what my face looks like." So I feel you, B-Dubs.

Pic via E! Online

And in young buck news, Demi Lovato is now doing the pink tip deal. Does anyone else think that Demi is looking less and less Demi Lovato-like? She's a cute kid either way, I'm just saying. And why wasn't this pink hair mess around when it was age appropriate for me to do this ish? I missed out. My life is turrible.

Pic via Buzz Feed

Well at least there's this.


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The Day I Have Been Waiting for: My Beauty Interview With Hot Stoddy!

Pic via Courtney Stodden

If you guys have been reading this blog for any time at all, you know that I have a slight obsession with Courtney Stodden. And now that I have a tiny bit of street cred, you know that the first thing I wanted to do was try to get an interview with my favorite homegirl.

And she actually agreed. I know, right? So, I now present to you, a beauty interview with Courtney Stodden...

Q: Eeeek! I'm so excited to be interviewing you. I'm somewhat obsessed with you. But I'll try to keep it professional up in this piece. Do you have a number one favorite beauty product of all time?

A: The pleasure is all mine. My favorite beauty product would have to be my self tanning micro mist by Sun Laboratories. It gives you a beautiful sun-kissed glow, easy to use and best of all it's animal cruelty free which is extremely important to me.

 Blogger's Note: Um, who else has two thumbs and loves to self tan? (Spoiler alert: This girl!)

Q: It takes me roughly a million years to get ready every day. There are so many steps to being girly! You look like you like to get pretty glammed up on the regular. How long does it take you to get ready?

A: Depends what is on my agenda for the day. If I am just hanging around the house, not doing too much ... it takes me about a half an hour of time to shower. But, if there is a photo shoot that I need to be at or simply just going out for the evening, I'd say roughly around 2 1/2 hours.

Q: How about perfume? Do you have a favorite? Or  what do you like to smell like? (I like to smell like sugar cookies, like any normal, 31 year old woman.)

A: I'm in love with Pink Sugar perfume - smells just like candy. Just squirt yourself with some of that stuff and you'll have every guy wanting a taste, haha.

Blogger's Note: Pink Sugar is my favorite. I want to bathe in that mess.

Q: I'm always looking for a new shampoo and conditioner combo. Is there one that you just LOVE?

A: I am currently using Redken shampoo & conditioner for blondes. It does the job nicely.

Q: One final question: How many pairs of lucite heels do you have? Is it like one favorite pair? Or a million different ones? Oh, and is your foot better?

A: I couldn't have enough 8in heels in my closet! And yes, my foot is feeling much better ... thank you for asking! xo

Blogger's Note: I also am a fan of very high heels. I'm feeling a BFF vibe. Anyone else? No, just me?

Okay, I will go back to obsessing over the enigma that is C. Stodd from afar, and stop creeping her out.

Thanks so much to Courtney for allowing be to be weird with her!



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Look Awake, Even When You're Sleepy as Eff

I'm tired lately, you guys. I don't really know what my deal is, but I just want to curl up on the back fur of this guy and sleep for days.

My dark circles look like I could be an unfortunate extra on The Walking Dead. (I've only seen that show like once, but I'm sure those b's aren't exactly looking fresh as a daisy.) But luckily, I have a little secret weapon in my makeup arsenal that keeps me looking (somewhat) normal.

Ride or Sleepy Die

I have not made it a secret of the fact that I am not the biggest fan of bareMinerals, but this ish is the exception. This is Well Rested. It's the perfect little pick-me-up for dark under eyes, and it doesn't get crazy looking after a couple of hours of wear, like a lot of concealers tend to do. (On my oily-ass anyway.)

I apply it with my concealer brush, and I instantly look 8% better. Now to work on the rest of the mess of my face...


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Miley Cyrus has an Intolerance to Gluten, Human-Sized Shorts

Pic via Huffington Post

Unwad your panties, no-pants police. Miley is just wearing short shorts, like any 19 year old (or however old she is) girl. And she's probably wearing her fiance's shirt, which brings more "Awwww, how sweet!" feelings than this does:

(No, it totally doesn't.)

But I will say, that suitcase it hot. And you can give it to me whenever you wish to, Mi Cy.



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And Everything was Going so Well!

Pic via Marie Claire UK

Just when my girl's looking all hot and ish, we have to go here. Cray shirt, string choker, and sweater uggs. Come on, honey boo boo. Can I PLEASE put your outfits out on the bed for you every morning like our moms did in elementary school? (Not mine. B, please. I wore whatever my crazy ass felt like.)

You guys think I'm joking about Brit Brit's outfits, but look at my goal that I wrote for work:

 

I ain't playin'.

 

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My First Blog for Allure. (Insert 12 yr Old Shrieking Here.)

Pic via Allure (Duh.)

Click here to go read my blog. So excited!



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And Now, for the Creepiest Thing I've Ever Written...

 I have a weird brain. These strange things just pop into my head at times, and I don't know where the eff they come from. If I lived in the 50's I'd probably be forced into having electroshock therapy right now.

The other day, I'm sitting around, and I think, "You know who I'd like to date? Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast."

That's my man.

I mean he's such a gentleman. You know he would be so accommodating. (Be our guest, and all that ish.) And that b is French! He's a butler (or something), so he can clean.

Lumiere is my number one pick of the NON-HUMAN DISNEY CHARACTERS THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DATE. (You can stop reading at any time. I know that there's something wrong with me.) Now before you call the FBI or something, I'm not talking about sexual weird crap. I don't need to be on My Strange Addiction. I'm not in love with the Eiffel Tower or anything. But...

Sexy.

My second pick is the Genie from Aladdin. He can grant you wishes, and has some badass gold bracelets I'd like to borrow. The con? He's voiced by Robin Williams. Um, nevermind. I don't want to date Mrs. Doubtfire...Or do I?

Yep, he's a bird.

My next non-human BF is Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. He's funny, and gives girls shiny presents. Actually, he might be a pimp. Be on alert.

Look at those tassels!

The last dude (?!?) on my list is the Magic Carpet from Aladdin. He can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. And the b can't talk. Are there any downsides?

Are you guys repulsed by me now? Or do you think that I missed someone (thing)? Please don't say something gross like the Tramp or Pinocchio. I can't even with that mess.



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Ugh, Hot People Can Do ANYTHING

Pic via Huffington Post

Charlize Theron shaved her head for some reason that I am too lazy to google, but, duh, for a role. And she's dressed dude-ish here. And she's still super hot. And her baby is like poster child for the Adorbs Parade. (Don't you wish that existed? It would be like a parade of babies riding on puppies, stuffed into kangaroo pouches. Can someone make this happen?)

Is anyone else hating their life right now? But I will say that I never noticed before this whole head-shaving deal that Charlize and my own lil' Brit Brit are kind of neck twins:

Seriously, people that are still super hot with shaved heads are such a-holes. Am I right?

Ugh. Ridic gorgeous alien. Hate you.

Still super hot.

If I shaved my head, I would totally look like this:

I hate my life.




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Fiona Apple has a New Video, and It's as Weird as You Would Expect.

Full disclosure: I friggin' love Fiona Apple. From the first time I heard Criminal when I was 15-ish and annoyingly emo-ish, I was hooked on that little poppy seed mini muffin of crazy, and I haven't looked back. Fiona's back, with a new video for her song Every Single Night, and don't worry -- she still cray. With the bonus of a octopus on her head!



Oh, how I've missed this b. And she's back with a little extra ginger flavor (and baby bangs). To which I say:



"Heeeeey!"


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True Blood Musing: WE'RE BACK B'S!!!

 How much do you loved this photoshopped Rolling Stone cover? You know Skarsgard could hold Moyer like at tiny newborn.

 Okay, enough of this mess, let's talk the season's first epi! JUMP, b's. I said JUMP!

P.S. Duh, if you haven't watched, don't read this mess. And these are just my random thoughts, if you are new to this ish. It's not a review or whatever. So you might not give half an eff about this.

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I Make Hot (That's Up to Your Judgement) Hoes Look Awkard: True Blood Edition

True Blood is back tomorrow, b's! And if you have been a reader of this blog for a while, you know I LIVE for this ish. I will be doing my dumbass True Blood recaps again, so get ready to hate on that mess.

In honor of all of the hot sessiness that makes up the True Blood lineup, I have scoured the interwebs via my AOL dial-up connection ("Mom! Don't pick up the phone! I'm in a chat room!") to find the most awkward pictures I can find of those hot, hot w's.

First up, Eric. Or Alexander Skarsgard, if you want to be all technical and ish. Today's Skarsy is a tall parfait of Nordic fro-yo sexiness, but check this out:

Did he have a former career as a Nick Carter impersonator? Is that a skinny pink belt in the picture on the right? Are those a pink pair of women's Izod pants on the right?

Next is the rugged hotness that is Alcide. Joe Manganiello is like a bear skin rug made of muscles, slightly dirty hair, and abs now, but here he is in high school:

Pic via Celeb Buzz

Okay, he's still pretty hot. (He's probably 18 in this picture -- Right? Don't call Chris Hansen.)

The new edition (Sit down, Bobby Brown, I wasn't talking about your ass.) to the show is Chris Meloni as some HBIC. I've always thought Chris was sprinkled with a special sauce of gruff and sexy. But here he is roughly 93842048 years ago:

Was he on Eight is Enough? Or is that just my mom's haircut from circa 1981? I would post a picture of that mess, but I'm sure she doesn't want to be associated with my ass.

And just for a little more awkwardness:

I don't know what this is, but it is just a whole big ol' bag of wrong that has been done to this man.

Jason Stackhouse, or Ryan Kwanten if you must, is a ripped little elf. But there are some unfortunate pictures of this hot little man. Exhibit A:

What exactly is this? (Besides awkward?)

And this is just shades of 98 Degrees of no.

Sam (on TB  and birth certificate) is a little take it or leave for me in the man department, but maybe some of you have a thing for him. I personally think he body doubles for Britney Spears' boyfriend, but whatevs.

Anyway, here he is hopefully in a modern day interpretation of Tom Sawyer. Starring a big ass red steering wheel and taking place in a bamboo jungle.

Sigh. I guess I have to mention my nemesis, Bill. I'm sure some people like stiff, wooden dudes. (Don't be gross.)

Seriously, did Stephen Moyer have a face (and hair) transplant with Chris Isaak? That ish cray.

And I can't leave out Andy Bellefleur. I know it's not conventional, but I find Sheriff Andy attractive for some reason. Don't judge me, Bill lovers!

Andy's driver's license reads "Chris Bauer," so that's what I googled to find weird pictures of Sheriff Andy. This is what I found:

Obvs (hopefully), this is a different Chris Bauer. Yet, still just as sexual. (Scruffy, watery eyed gingers need love, too!)

Here's a picture of the "real" Chris Bauer, looking like a real Baberaham Lincoln. (Thanks, Wayne's World for all of my comedic lines.)

Okay, I'm finished humiliating hot dudes. I'm like a boring, unsexy, virtual dominatrix.

See! Celebrities are just like us! (No they aren't.) They have horrible, awkward pictures from their past, too! (Regular people's -- like us -- are much, much worse.) Now let's all tune in tomorrow and catch the current hotness of the True Blood cast to wash this gross taste from our mouths.


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Ballerina Beauty: Vicariously Living My Dreams Through Pink Products

Confession time: I'm kind of obsessed with ballerinas. Okay, that sounds super creepy. I'm not going to Black Swan anybody or anything, no need for restraining orders. I did ballet (and then pointe) for something like 12 years.

My first, albeit chubby, ballet recital picture.

In my dreams, I would be a prima ballerina. But here's the thing -- I'm barely five feet tall. That ish ain't happening. Ever. So I quit when I was in my teens, and became the lazy b that I am today.

So now I obsessively watch ballet TV shows whenever they are on, including the new ones: Breaking Pointe and the upcoming Bunheads. And I live my "mess with never happen" dreams through ballet-like beauty products, like any weird, passive aggressive person would.

Tarte Amazionian Clay in Amused, $25

I have had the Tarte Amazonian Clay blush in a couple of shades for several months, and I totally love them. They last forever on your skin, and the colors are really pretty. This super pinky color, Amused, just reminds me of ballet. (Is that weird?)

LAQA & Co. Fat Lip Pencil in Lambchop, $20.95

The good peeps at LAQA & Co. sent me this fat lip pencil to try, and it is pretty freakin' fabulous. It's easy to use, the packaging is gorge, and the color Lambchop is bright and beautiful. And ridic pink. Which are all pluses in my book. And did I say it's pink? Get it? Ballet?

OPI in Otherwise Engaged, about $8.50

This OPI polish has been my go-to pinky nude for years and years. It doesn't look streaky, like a lot of nudie (ha ha, nudie) shades tend to do. And it's pretty much the exact shade of ballet tights. (Am I getting creepy now?)

Tube sock...Preferably clean.

Yep, that's a tube sock up there. The most ballerina-y thing is a bun, obvs. And the easiest way to get a sexy ass ballet style bun is with a tube sock. See how to get the goods in my top knot tutorial below.



Sorry if this post reeked of unfulfilled dreams and childhood tears. I'm going to go slather pink stuff all over myself and hang upside down from some crazy contraption to try in attempts to make myself taller. BRB.




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This is What's Happening Now.

Pic via Buzz Feed

Four people, (or even better, one person four times) googled "Dr. Fellatio" to get to this blog. What am I doing with my life?

P.S. I'm pretty sure it wasn't this cat, but one can never be sure.



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In Case You Don't Obsessive Stalk Me, You Might Have Missed It

So, I never posted any of my challenges from Allure's Beauty Blogger of the Year contest. Here's the video I made for the final challenge. It shows how to use various makeup items in more than one way. Enjoy my typical horrid-ness.





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Why Do I Do This?

Pic via US Weekly

I sat with this story opened in my web browser for a of couple days debating on whether to comment, and now that it's not really timely, here I go. (Sigh.) You see, I immediately wanted to call this ish out, but then I'm feeding into giving this whole attention-needy situation.

Leann Rimes likes attention, it seems. I mean I don't know. Don't you usually go to a gym grand opening and ride on the spin bike while wearing heels and being photographed? And please go see the other pic over at US Weekly of Leann RUNNING ON A TREADMILL IN HEELS with a look of intensity on her face. Like honey boo boo is really trying to get her mile time down to seven minutes or something. I feel the need to give this attention-seeking behavior a big ol' "B, PLEASE." I can't even start to handle this mess. But now I'm giving her what she wants: To be talked about.

Don't worry. My need for snark and my hate for myself share equal parts in my brain. I'm done now, because I would much rather spend my time watching the love story between a tiny, stair-phobic pig and bowl of oatmeal. Wouldn't you?






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Do You Know What Today Is?

It's my Blogiversary! Good ol' G+D turns one year old today. Thanks to anyone that gives half an eff, I love you b's!



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We're All Getting Old/Where the Hell Have I Been News

Pic via Daily Mail

Jessie Spano is like one second from pooping popping out (I don't know where babies come from) a kid. How did I not know this? It wasn't in the Saved by the Bell Fans 4EVA!!!! (yes, four exclamation points) newsletter.  In other news, she and her husband obvi love a well-worn military jacket. Are those grommets, sir? How historically accurate of you!

P.S. I don't know this man's story, but if he's not a soap opera or Cinemax late night movie actor, he totally missed his calling.

And on completely unrelated topic, this is what Ashanti has been wearing lately, courtesy Bossip:

Oh, honey. I don't even know where it's safe to rest my eyes in this piece. That lace applique is working hard for its money. But on a positive note, "Foolish" is still totally my jam! That's some good ish.



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